…written in January and unfinished and not posted …

Have you ever felt an overload of emotions all at once? Thankfully I can reminisce on all of the cherished memories made in 2018. Super high hopes for 2019. As I know God has a special specific plan. He always has, and always will. But, the third day into the new year brought some mighty scary news. If you know me at all, I loathe going to doctor appointments. Don’t get me wrong, I am eternally grateful for good, nice and kind doctors. But…But, but, why me Lord? And boldly I am reminded this is not about me. After two and half hours in a specialists office yesterday, I am grateful. I truly am thankful and yes I am still abundantly blessed. However, the C.S.F leak that I have had since November upon returning from the treatments in Carson City, Nevada can no longer be overlooked nor overshadowed by a sigh of “I’ll be fine.” Today, I will awaiting three calls from doctors and scan appointments. What was a joke (I thought) about a hole in my head or a cracked skull became very real and surreal yesterday.

The very thought of putting Eric, Maci and my family through another thing is heart and gut wrenching. You see, God gave me a support system that most absolutely do not have. Which in fact hurts my heart more than my head. I am so undeserving. I have complained and cried and fought and sobbed over staying home and not being able to drive … then I hear an echo of Eric telling another nurse, “three months ago she could not have this conversation with you.” What I mean and what he means by that is, I love to laugh and joke with everyone. And now I can.  Almost like, lets laugh and have fun and forget about the seriousness of what is really going on. You see, when I made the journey to Carson City, the remnants of the strokes and cancer were very visible and heard. The energy levels to fight were there, but nothing as what I am at 100 proof. And to date, I can speak as if a stroke has never truck my brain once much less three times. God does mighty things when you answer the calling. Follow the ones following God’s plan and grace.

I have never really been any good at following directions. I am certain that you could ask any one of my parents, grade school teachers, professors and even doctors. …incomplete post … thoughts and updates coming soon … SO much has happened in the past 40 days …


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